Remembering Him

I'm so busy that I don't even have time to grieve, but then there are those moments that catch up to me. There are some wires surrounding our tree and the wires belong to us as well as our neighbors. The owner of our neighbor's property showed my sister a picture of it, and I told my sister, "Now he tells us!" It's possible that he didn't want to inconvenience us before, but anyway, I made the effort to reach out to Con Ed online (since my sister automatically thought it was their wires).

Con Ed called me and said no, it wasn't theirs. It was Verizon's. Matt, the Con Ed guy, said to contact the property owner and I told him, "Okay, great, thanks!" I wanted to cry because we are the property owners or more like my late dad was. I would've told Matt, "The property owner was my dad and he's dead," but that wouldn't solve anything. So, I just reached out to Verizon. The Verizon tech was going to come today but my sis had already asked my dad's old friend, who does construction, to fix up our house. They would've been in the tech's way or more like the tech would've been in their way.

Anyway, the tech is coming on Monday, May 12th, which would've been my parents 46 wedding anniversary and my mom reminds me but I told her, he's not here so technically it doesn't count. I don't mean to be a bitch but it's just that you can't celebrate a wedding anniversary if only one party is left on earth. That's why "til death do us part" is in the vows. I'm trying to get my mom to think realistically and not focus on it because I don't want her digging herself deeper into a depression. She dwells on things and can't get out of the rabbit hole.

When I reached out to Verizon, they called me by my dad's name and I was like, "Oh gosh." It's already not easy starting and completing tasks that need to get done, but to recall that my dad isn't here to help out, sucks. Then Adelphi U called me to let me know that in order to transfer my credits for my social work courses from Fordham U, I would need to send them the syllabus of the courses. I hated doing it because that meant I had to dig. I had to go to the Fordham U website, log on, check BlackBoard and my emails for my course syllabus. I'm glad I don't delete anything and had it all saved. Then I read some emails and I had sent my dad some emails for him to print out. It made me sad.

I miss him terribly. I'm crying so much that my tears are making my vision blurry by causing my contacts to shift in my eyes. Even though tomorrow is Mother's Day, my dad isn't here. I know it's going to hurt on Father's Day and on his birthday, but I'm already getting nostalgic.

And the silver lining to this is: Don't be afraid to feel your feelings. When they come, embrace them and then let them go. Then again, I know how much he loved music and playing the guitar, so when I hear a song with a guitar, it makes me think of him and I smile. :)