Holiday Season

Last year was daunting because every time I was in therapy, my therapist had to mention the holidays, if I missed my dad and how I would spend the holidays, like if it was the crux of my existence. Why do I have to be surrounded by people? Why can’t I just be alone or just with my mom?

My mom was manic and ended up turning everything into chaos. From going out at 3AM to buy cigarettes to going to the 99c store and purchasing $70 worth of items. It drained me and I was depressed and tired for most of the holiday season. I, myself, indulged in buying myself gadgets like a keyboard, walking pad and projector. I wanted to be anywhere but where I was.

I had to fill out paperwork for my mom at the end of the year, and it brought back memories of my dad because I had to answer questions about him and send his death certificate. I didn’t want to have to deal with those emotions while doing something for my mom. I spent 5 hours straight on the laptop taking pictures of documents, and sending them through a phone app. After doing that, I was spent and felt the need to go on my walking pad. I felt “off” because there was no one to talk to about what I just did or what I was going through because people don’t want to or don’t listen. For the first time in a long time, I felt lonely.

My last therapy session was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was telling her how I didn’t want visitors for Christmas; that they invited themselves over without an invitation and it made me feel even more lonely; especially when they left. I associate taking out the garbage by myself now with an empty feeling because when they all left and my mom secluded herself in her bedroom, it was just me and the garbage. I’m crying now remembering how I felt. I, myself, felt like garbage. Nobody really asked how I was doing and I felt disposable. My therapist told me, “At least you had company.” How is that supposed to make me feel better?!

I told her how I discovered that I don’t eat dinner anymore, and go to sleep. She said, “You should eat dinner so it gives you energy and you don’t feel tired enough to sleep.” That’s not the point. I go to sleep to escape reality, first of all. Second of all, I stopped having dinner because I’m so used to eating with my mom, a boyfriend or a friend, but because I don’t have any of that, my eating pattern has completely changed. I even told her that I was going to sleep earlier than normal, and she was like, "When you go back to school, it’s going to be hard so you should get used to sleeping later." She didn’t even know the whole story; that I’ve been going to sleep at 7/7:30PM for the past 8, going on 9, years. I only have one class on Thursdays that’s 6-8PM, and I should be good.

She put me in an anxiety group for Tuesdays at 7PM, and I don’t even want to do that because I don’t have anxiety. It took a month to get people to join, and come to think of it, I have more depression. My sister even asked me about that; wondering what anxiety was for her benefit, not mine. Tired of feeling used.

Freddy, a guy I messed with, who had a girlfriend all along but hid it from me, kept asking me about bipolar disorder. Not because he was concerned for me or to get to know me, but because his “friend” had it. He wanted to try to understand it. It’s called google.com and ChatGPT. Look it up and don’t use me.