Mask Off

I'm frustrated with many things. Firstly, that my therapist and past counselor saying that I need friendships. If I didn't have good friendships while my parents were alive, what makes you think I need them now that my dad is dead and I'm taking care of my mom? I mean, sure it would be nice to go out and have a good time, but not now! I can't distract myself or look for entertainment while my mom's health is declining. I can worry about friendships when I'm alone, living in California. For now, while I'm New York, I have more pertinent matters to tend to...obviously.

My mom is depressed and she's no fun, but how can you ask a widow and orphan (her parents passed away a long time ago) to be cheerful? Being with her can be draining and stressful. Draining because being around a sad person is contagious, and stressful because I have to wait on her hand and foot. She takes up space on the whole couch while watching television, and the seat that used to be mine is either occupied with her feet or pillows. So, that space is no longer mine (crying right now just thinking that I'm being pushed away). I have to sit in one of my dad's friend's blue fold-up chair. The other couch is filled with my mom's medications and clothing. That's not living. That's why I want to move out of here with my mom. I'm doing my research and planning it day-by-day. I just wish she was better so we can decide together where to live.

I have to sort out my belongings and throw out what's unnecessarily taking up space in my apartment like empty boxes and old paperwork along with my dad's belongings. Today, my mom was mentioning my dad's books that need to be thrown out from the bookshelf. Another item to add on my to-do list. Why can't she throw out the books? Why do I have to be the one to do it? I'll utilize one of my empty boxes and put them outside of the house for people to take on a sunny day (it's going to rain soon). Then, if nobody wants them, I'll recycle them.

My mom's doctor upsets me because she makes a big deal about my mom losing weight, refers her to go for tests and then I have the radiology offices calling me that they are trying to get my mom's doctor's approval. Otherwise, the tests can't be done. So, why the games? My mom is losing weight because she is depressed. What more do you want? My mom's doctor is making her take pointless tests that she eventually has to pay for and it's ridiculous. The only good thing that came out of seeing her doctor every 4-6 weeks was finally managing my mom's blood sugar levels after they've been too high for the past 6 months. I kept dreaming of carrying someone else's baby, which was referring to me carrying the burden of someone else and that burden is my mom's diabetes. It's not easy to deal with but I'm trying as best as I can.

Lastly, while I was googling, "What to buy my mom for Mother's Day," I ended up seeing a really cute tote bag and deciding to purchase it. A little treat for the mother in me (hehe). <3