Dad's Birthday

Today would’ve been my dad’s birthday but he’s in heaven so it doesn’t really count. To me, birthdays count when you’re alive so I’m not doing the “He would’ve been 70 something if he were alive,” or “Happy heavenly birthday.” No, I’m not going to live in some fantasy. I’ll stick with: It would’ve been his birthday.

So, my sister and I are going to visit my dad in the cemetery after she gets out of work. I have to meet my sister by a certain time to get driven there by her friend/coworker. However, we won’t be getting driven back. I wish we were because it would be a short trip. Then we have to walk 20 minutes to the train station to get home. Ugh.

I wrote those two paragraphs in ChatGPT, and it asked me to answer these 3 questions: What do you miss? What don't you miss? What you wish had been different?

I miss him as a father figure, who would give me guidance and always check up on me. As much as I had to look after him sometimes, he was concerned with if I had money and if I ate. I don't really have anyone checking up on me and taking my feelings under consideration. Sometimes my sister. Sometimes my therapist. Even they disappoint me and question my motives, which makes me angry. My sister doesn’t understand why I block family members. They’re critical and controlling and have crossed several boundaries. Why do I need to explain myself? My therapist asked why I have been cleaning. Um, because things get dirty and you have to clean. I’m not rich. I can’t hire a maid. Maybe you can, but I can’t.

What I don't miss is the fear instilled in me. That part I don't like. I know the world can be a dangerous place, but your job as a parent is to make me feel safe. I rarely felt safe in my own home. My therapist and psychiatrist know why and I’m leaving it at that.

What I wish had been different was his expression of love. I wish he was more affectionate and less dry. I wish he actually listened to my problems or could be empathetic enough to read my face and notice something was wrong. I was depressed for a few years in my relationship with Kelvin, and no one batted an eyelid. They saw me smiling, so, they thought I was okay. I wasn't okay being in a toxic relationship, and they (my dad and my sister) thought I had made a mistake by breaking up with him because he kept me calm. Yo, he kept me depressed!

Anyway, I'm just realizing my dad is probably keeping me busy with the workers in the house doing more renovation. I'm tired but this is life. We don't get rest until we die. I'm on guard to see if they need anything from me and to be their eyes in case someone (like my neighbor) walks in like he owns the place wanting to look at the renovations. Nosy ass. I told my therapist how I felt scared and angry but it gave me even more reason to trust my intuition and be on guard. My hyper-vigilance takes a toll on me because it drains me, but it's only working overtime to keep me safe.

The silver lining is that although I wish things were different, I have grown from my challenges. I’ve been doing lots of healing by speaking to my therapist and dream interpretation with ChatGPT. I’ve journaled & sought God countless of times. I’m going to listen to a Word on YouTube.