Being Acknowledged

During the beginning of this year, I started signing up for free caregiving meetings and webinars online. They provide information about caregiving, coping with depression, and making time for yourself like journaling. It's like a class and they allow you to participate if you would like to.

I signed up for a journal class on the last week (they were providing three weekly courses). I'm glad I was able to join because I thought the class was closed. Since it was the last day of the class and I was fairly new to the group, I didn't place my video or microphone on. The moderator went around the room and asked questions. I remember not liking that and she asked me where I was from. I was about to say it aloud when she said instead, "Type it in the chat." It kind of put me off because I was about to talk, even though I got nervous because I did not expect it at all. I believe engaging in a conversation is actually good when you're suffering from depression, but anyway, the moderator said coldly, "Oh, she's from New York." Already, I wasn't feeling the vibe.

The moderator told us to begin writing about what we hear, what we see, and what we feel. I immediately thought, "Why is this a cognitive-behavioral technique?" Then writing who we have in our outer circle, middle circle, inner circle. Right then and there, I had to think about people I consider close and those I didn't. Lastly, if we have a strained relationship with someone and to write about it.

I thought we would write about something positive; not something difficult. So, it didn't put me in a good mood. I checked my email while the class was going on in the background, and noticed I had received a tax form. Then I remembered, I have to fill out both of my parents taxes this year along with mine. It's going to be interesting. My dad has had his past tax forms in his laptop (or so I believe), so I can locate those in my own time.

Toward the end of the class, I got up from my recliner and started cleaning my room. I couldn't just sit down and listen. I had to keep busy somehow. Basically, since I started feeling agitated because the topics in the class brought upon discomfort, I felt like I had to move my body to release the tension.

Today there was a webinar about coping with depression, and this one I liked more because I participated in the chat and was acknowledged by the moderator, Monique. I realized I liked that because I felt good and seen. Monique passed the vibe check! It's almost like I needed validation, but it's natural because I only communicate with my mom, my sister, my cousin and God on a day-to-day basis. I speak to my therapist once a week for about an hour. It gets lonely sometimes, so, l yearn to seek connection with others. I never had a huge social circle, and it's only gotten smaller. However, it will open up, again, once I'm in my courses for the Spring of 2025, beginning tomorrow!