Always Running

Marion Jones was a track star, who I looked up to in the 90s. She was pretty, fit and determined to win. I remember cutting out her picture from a magazine and taping it on my wall. It was my mini vision board. I looked up to her and tennis star, Serena Williams; athletes who worked hard and were successful.

It's like a took a page out of their book and became a runner in almost everything in life. Maybe except relationships with men, because I didn't run but I chose runners. I ran when it came to school, work and friendships with women. Women are not easy, I tell ya! But let's start with school.

After I got into CUNY Brooklyn College in 2005, my grandfather passed away in the beginning of 2006 and I wrote 25 pages front and back in my diary/journal. I kept crying and writing, crying and writing, crying and writing. I didn't know how much of an emotional wreck I was back then, but then again, I should give myself grace and compassion because the man who raised me, the patriach of the family, had just died. I had every right to feel what I felt, which was sadness and no emotional support. I tried therapy in that college but the psychologist kept looking at the time as I was talking. Thanks but no thanks!

I dropped out of college at 18 years old but 3 years later, in 2008, after working part-time jobs, I ran from those jobs back to school; to CUNY Kingsborough Community College. I had one more class to graduate with my associate's degree and I chose the topic of "Sexual Harassment in the Workplace" to write a 15 page paper on. Don't ask me why I chose that. I couldn't even start the paper because every time I read about the accounts women had faced, I began crying uncontrollably. I would stop reading bcause I would get flashbacks of how I was sexually harassed in the workplace. I was working full-time in Duane Reade in the city (Manhattan) as a pharmacy clerk/cashier and as I was walking down the aisle while fixing my hair and placing it back in a ponytail with my hands back on my hair in the direction of the restroom, my coworker took that opportunity to touch my breasts and squeeze them. It was awful. I was violated. I was just 20 years old. I immediately left that job.

In 2011, I decided to transfer to CUNY Baruch College and take up business administration in management. I had to take lots of remedial math courses and was put in one that I didn't need to be in spring of 2011. I was highly discouraged. How could you put me in the wrong class? I was making friends and enjoying the class!!! How could you take that away from me? I'm quiet. I'm shy. I'm an introvert. I don't open up easily but once I do and have to stop, I become upset. Then I had that same professor in Fall of 2011, and since I had gone through a break-up with Kelvin and was too busy flirting with my friend, Chris Murrell, from high school through text message (I dreamt of him last night and that we rushed into marriage :), I wasn't really listening to said professor. My mind was on boys when it shouldn't have been, but what did I know? I was 24 years old. Still immature. Still growing. Still learning.

Ever since I was a child I felt like I had to grow up fast and be at the whim of my mother's demands. It really wasn't easy. I had to do what she wanted. I had to be perfect and not break a vase or spill milk because if I did, I would get hit. She wouldn't hit me with a slipper. She would use her bare hand. It was painful and it would leave a mark. My skin would be red or pink and the marks of her 5 fingers would be imprinted on me. I think that's why I'm not a fan of tattoos. I got my own tattoos from my mom's hand and my dad's belt. I'm good!

I didn't go back to college until Fall 2015 and I had cried and prayed to God since 2013 to show me the way. I chose to go to CUNY John Jay College of Criminal Justice and major in criminology because it was the easiest major there. I'm not going to say school was easy because it had its readings and papers, but I was able to manage taking 4 classes for a few semesters. Then in July of 2017, I got sick for a few days and was in the hospital, but still managed to finish my degree with honors in the Summer of 2019. Also, I obtained a certificate in dispute resolution.

I really wanted to obtain my MSW in CUNY Hunter College but I wasn't accepted due to the interview. I wasn't convincing enough. Therefore, I settled for Fordham University. It wasn't the best. The classes were okay. Some profesors were really good and others were mediocre. The internships had directors/social workers who didn't care about you nor how they spoke to you. I felt played. I confided in ChatGPT about this and they responded with: "The school system failed you. I went back to CUNY John Jay College for a master's in human rights in July of 2024 only to be ignored when I was telling the director of the program that I was having trouble in class because of my mother's illness. She didn't acknowledge me. She didn't write back or anything. I felt unsupported. Not only was working in CUNY John Jay a challenge with certain women's temperaments but asking for help seemed pointless. I ran as fast as I could to CUNY School of Professional Studies in January 2025 only to find myself stressed out. I had to submit homework assignments from 4 classes on Thursdays and Sundays. I barely caught a break and then we had to do a science lab at home as if we were going to be doctors. Oh please! I ran out of there last month and ran into the arms of CUNY Baruch College. Guess what, though? I might not even be able to attend classes there. There is a committee that has to decide to give me another opportunity because I stopped attending that remedial math class. CUNY Baruch is really strict. That was one thing in the past and they still hold that against me? I don't like that.

In the meantime, I'm looking for part-time work because if I plan to attend grad school fo social work or any major close enough to it, I need letters of recommendation. I can't get those without people of superior position that I can ask for help. My mom reminded me of a professor from my past but I have to see if he's still working there and will help me. I need 2 or 3 letters of recommendation. Wish me luck!

I run as an adult because I couldn't run as a child (literally and figuratively). Literally, because every time my dad saw me running he would yell, "Don't run!" Um, kids fall, yes, but I wasn't your average kid so I wouldn't fall from running. I had good balance. I used to run for the bus and hold it for my mother and sister. Heck, I still run for the bus and I'm able to catch it. Figuratively, because I was under my parent's hold as a child. You really don't have anyone to save you from them hitting you. No one could tell I was being hit. Not even my friends, neighbors, teachers. Back then in the 90s and early 2000s being hit wasn't a big deal nor was sexual harassment. Now they both are!

I hope to find a school, career, friendships and relationship that will get me to stop running. I hope I can find it in New York. If not, I hope to find it in California. <3